I Thought Being Aggressive Was the Only Way People Would Take Me Seriously. I Was Wrong.
For a long time, the only alternative I could see was being hard. Being ready. The kind of woman who would snap on you quick if you pushed me too far — and not lose a minute of sleep about it.
People didn’t cross me. But I didn’t always recognize the person I was. I’d handle a situation and then sit back in disgust thinking who was that?
I Confused Volume for Authority
For years I believed the thing most women believe — respect is built by being hard, unyielding, and not putting up with foolishness. If you’re not willing to go there, people will take advantage of you. Niceness and firmness can’t live in the same body.
That belief came from situations where I told somebody what my boundary was, and they trampled it. I had to escalate to get results. And when something works, you repeat it.
What I didn’t understand then was that I was solving a regulation problem with a loudness strategy. And volume ain’t authority. Volume is what happens when authority breaks down.
What Actually Changed
It’s been three years since I last went back to the rah-rah ready-to-fight girl I hated.
The craziest part of my transformation was realizing I was a big people-pleaser and I can trace that back to my childhood.
I resented it.
I’d say yes to the wrong things, too many things, and even things that were ultimately detrimental to me.
I was secretly carrying an inner rage just waiting for someone to shake me up to the point that I’d explode.
Unfortunately, my son recognized and experienced that unhealed version of me.
I wanted to be softer, and because I finally understood what I was actually protecting myself from, I could do something about it.
It wasn’t other people. It was the discomfort of feeling unheard. Of needing something and not knowing how to ask for it without prepping for a fight.
My aggression was my armor. It was heavy. And it was costing me relationships I actually cared about.
Can you imagine your kid telling you they wonder if you even like them?
I couldn’t keep going this way if I wanted a healthy relationship with my son where he doesn’t just call me on holidays and come home every few years.
The first place I turned to try to change things was God and my faith.
I know prayer works and I started praying over the situation. The thing about prayer though is we’re still expected to do the parts assigned to us. God can absolutely heal the relationship, but without the right mindset and skills, I’d damage it again.
I had to learn to be emotionally regulated so I could stop swinging between super chill and drill sergeant.
I also focused attention on getting better at communicating.
But regulation and communication can’t change a relationship when your mind isn’t ready with a supporting perspective and solid identity.
The Thing I Had to Unlearn
I was labeling myself as Jersey girl ready to match energy and take no crap from anybody.
That made me see a lot of what other people, especially my son, did as a bunch of crap.
But because I wanted to make others happy at work, I was lying to myself by saying I don’t take other people’s foolishness.
I absolutely did.
I had to stop labeling myself based on who I used to be when I was a teenager and figure out who I want to be.
I stepped into the labels of compassionate, boundaried, kind, professional, tactful.
I no longer needed to rely on getting loud or snarky to get my need for respect met.
What I Want You to Walk Away With
I’m not sharing this because I have it all figured out. I’m sharing it because I spent years believing I had to choose between being respected and truly getting to embrace a new identity as a feminine woman who lives a soft life — and that’s a false choice.
You don’t have to be aggressive to be taken seriously. You don’t have to be a pushover to be kind. And you don’t have to keep becoming the version of yourself you look at in disgust thinking, what’s wrong with me?
In this video, I share five specific things that made that shift possible for me and for the mothers I work with.
[Boundaries For Beginners: A Free Guide For “Nice” Women]
When you do the things we talked about today, you’ll feel safe being the person you actually want to be — because you finally have a way to protect yourself that doesn’t require you to become someone you have to apologize for later.
