My Parenting Rock Bottom

Who snaps like that while on vacation?

My son did the opposite of what I told him to do and lost his phone. When he got back to the room, I was so pissed that I started an actual brawl with him. He tried to protect himself as I was dragging him down to the floor.

I had truly lost it.

I just knew that somebody would be on the other side of that door ready to lock me up.

I took his disobedience — especially after the long explanation about why he needed to do what I said — as the ultimate disrespect. I took his facial expression as a direct challenge. And after trying to be gentle and patient for so long, I snapped.

The next morning, I handed him a pair of sunglasses and we went out like everything was normal.

Like…

WHAT?!

All day, I felt intense guilt. I was disappointed in myself. I was scared I’d really gone too far this time. I wasn’t always like this — so why did I fly so far over the edge? While on vacation at that.

That’s when it truly sank in that no amount of therapy was going to help my son with his own depression or anxiety as long as he came home not knowing what version of me he was gonna get.

I promised him that from then on, I’d put in the work to deal with my wide swing from chill mom to attacker. I promised I would never hit him again.

But six months later, we were at home and I broke my promise.

This time, he snapped. Stormed out. We took some time apart because we just couldn’t be around each other.

All I did was cry and pray and cry some more.

I couldn’t figure out what my problem was.

Then I realized I was so scared of him becoming some delinquent citizen — a man with no ability to take care of himself — that I had stamped him with this story. The story was that he was a disrespectful kid who doesn’t listen and does whatever he wants regardless of what I say.

There was only one problem with my story.

The evidence of our daily lives showed me he does 95% of what I tell him without a problem. He does about 70% of what I expect him to do without me having to tell him — on his own. He’s not outside fighting people. I can always find him. He somehow always pulled his grades up in the end to pass.

And then it hit me.

He was me.

I had become them. I was doing the same kinds of things and calling him the problem. I didn’t want a repeat of how I was “disciplined” anymore.

He didn’t need therapy. He needed a different version of me.

This time, I refused to go back on my word.

I had to decide who I was going to be as his mom from now on. I had to own my behavior and the effect I had on him. And I had to become a master at controlling me.

My son describes me now as comforting and consoling.

He told me there’s still evidence of what once was — mental scars — but they don’t hurt anymore. He checks on me throughout the day. He comes to just kiss me on the cheek and tell me he loves me.

You might think you can’t come back from a relationship that’s damaging with your kids. You might be allowing guilt to eat you up at night.

But we are living proof that once you truly make the decision to never go back to being the person you say you don’t want to be, you can move forward into something even more beautiful.

Our relationship would have been surface level at best — even when it was good. But our relationship now is honest, calm, and reliable. Being around each other is a highlight instead of something either of us has to prepare for.

It’s possible on the other side of deciding you can’t keep going like this.