I’ve gotten enough responses that I think what I’m about to share is exactly what moms have been asking me for.
The first vulnerable thing moms usually share with me is “I don’t want to be like this. I just don’t know what else to do.”
That’s how I felt after I hit rock bottom.
I was constantly fussing, being annoyed, feeling let down by life, myself, him — and just unpleasant for him to be around. The rest of the world got the masked up version of me. And because he was getting the short end of the stick, he barely even spoke 2 words to me.
Then last night — or should I say early this morning — around 1am, I was woken up to J saying, “Mom. Mom! I’m sorry to wake you up but you have to try this!”
Of course my immediate response was “Boy! I’m sleep.”
He said, “I know. I’m sorry. But please, Mom. You have to taste this. I just made it and it’s so good!”
I gave in and opened up as my son dropped a nugget of hamburger meat in my mouth.
Can’t lie. It was super good.
After he left my room, I couldn’t praise God more for how far we’ve come. I saw my little Bubbub and his joy over showing me something he made all by himself. I saw his comfort in coming to wake me knowing I wasn’t gonna wild out on him. I saw his pure humanity.
You know how when kids are little they want to show you everything? “Mommy, look what I made.”
That was last night. At 1am. With my teenager.
And that actually brings me to the 3 things that changed my life and then changed life for my son.
The first — I had to look at the way things really were and not freak out to see ugly things. I couldn’t turn my face away. You can’t fix what you can’t see. That’s how you know where to start. By looking and being honest about the reality of the relationship.
The second — I had to get super comfortable with saying what I feel without acting it out.
When you start doing that kind of looking and being intentional, it can make you hypersensitive to whether all your work is making a difference. I’d been measuring myself against everything that looked like failure — including whether my son still wanted to be around. He could have opted to go live with my ex and STILL chose me, so that gave me hope that something was shifting.
But I didn’t want to be an anxious basket case just trying not to do things wrong. I wasn’t living to thrive.
The third — I had to notice what was working and adjust what wasn’t. I looked at what we were both saying or doing more often. I looked for where things felt off but like something we could talk about, or if it felt like something to avoid.
Noticing what’s going on and pivoting based on the data is like doing quality control during a fruit inspection. Good inspectors don’t hope the fruit is good — they check it.